Dear Bridenstine Kumar,
Sir, I, a poor Indian (By the way, not the kind of couple of million Indians that you had decimated while you conducted pious research on effects of small pox virus on isolated native populations) is getting really worried.
It seems Sir that you are very angry with my nation that has done a terrible terrible thing of blowing up a satellite in space.
I concede that it is a heinous crime, especially because it is common knowledge that space happens to be a private property of USA and rest of the humanity obviously needs your permission to do anything there, so I am here to offer an apology and a request for you to consider to ensure that such terrible terrible things are not done by anyone in future.
NASA that you head Sir is a sacred organisation in my nation as every kid who wants to fool us into thinking that he is a genius normally produces a paper saying that he is employed by NASA, so when you spoke about the terribleness of Mission Shakti, we already have a lot of Indian intellectuals sharing your words with utmost joy.
As you are getting upset, I am humbly wanting you to note that timidity has always been a cherished virtue of erstwhile Indian state for most of the time and hence apart from two aberrations, we have never given you an opportunity to find us terrible in our seventy year of existence as a nation.
But, as we have obviously erred and hence angered you, I have following prayer for your kind consideration.
As you are aware Sir, we are a nation really backward in science, and are thus forced to use primitive and uncouthly raw technologies.
If you recollect our first blunder that angered you, it was using nuclear fusion and fission to extract energy out of an atom at Pokhran and not the water balloons that you have been using all this while in conducting around 1,054 nuclear, sorry water balloon tests (by official count) including 216 atmospheric, underwater, and space tests.
I am in full admiration of your water balloon technology that has been a landmark for being harmless even to an unborn child and has helped cleansing so many pacific ocean islands.
If I look at the next terrible terrible thing we did in Mission Shakti, a mindless ASAT (anti-satellite) missile test, I am further humbled by the technology you have developed for converting pieces of destroyed satellites into harmless flower petals. I am aware that you have been at it since 1950s and have converted countless satellites into flower petals!
Sir, as you are angry, you may not realize the real problem with us is that we are backward in mind and morals. So, we end up using technologies of wrong type all the time.
I have the simplest solution to your problem of us doing terrible terrible things that upset you.
Sir, all you need to do is to share all your advanced technologies that you discover with us immediately. If you had shared your water balloon technology with us, do you think we would have conducted Pokhran nuclear tests?
Just imagine if you had offered the blue prints of your ASAT (anti-satellite) missile that turns satellites into flower petals! The space would have been such a nice place for earthlings visiting it as they would have been greeted by flower petals instead of the space debris created by us in Mission Shakti.
Sir, I am sure that testing nuclear bombs and missiles are not the last terrible terrible things we will do, as we know that you have many other advance green and safe technologies under your belt that can hugely improve health and well-being of people and nations subjected to them.
So, it is about time you share them with us to avoid feeling further aggrieved.
Awaiting in anticipation,
– Yours fearly
An Indian national who trembles at the first sign of your anger and immediately writes apologetic social media posts.
DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author’s own.